Rules For Dating My Daughter
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Professional Waffler
Joined: Aug 2003
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From: HertFORDshire
Rules For Dating My Daughter
Courtesy of Summer from the PassionFord board 
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Originally Posted by Eagle
i can understand all of that .... and agree with it .. i will be printing it off for my 15 year old daughter to give to prospective candidates 
only kidding dad
.
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 6,373
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From: .
lol........i have a friend whos dad is the man behind those words exactly
he chased her boyfriend up the street with a shovel......because he had his hands down her bra and her dad walked in,...oh god....i think hes moved far far away now.....bless
he chased her boyfriend up the street with a shovel......because he had his hands down her bra and her dad walked in,...oh god....i think hes moved far far away now.....bless
PassionFord Post Whore!!
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 8,655
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From: .
My sisters boyfriends have to go through me...
I have chased at least 2 of them out of my house with snooker cues/golf clubs- 1 of which had no shoes on- They hit the back of his head ok though.
+ My other brother and his side kick- who is also my other brother... (that makes 3 of us)
These 2 went to Uni and were in the police station within 6 hours of being there for demolishing 7 lads and a bouncer in a club- a fight they wern't even envolved in started and I think the younger of the 2 got pushed a little... on a sunday night too.
Then theres my Dad who has also kicked 1 or 2 out of the house- He uses the fred flintstone method and actualy Pretends they're dog type dinosaurs. Once one landed close to my car. I esplained he should pick himself up without touching the car and leave.
Her current boyf parks at the bottom of the drive, He does not flash his lights, or Bib his horn, he does not get out and he parks behind the big coniffers at the bottom of the drive so he cannot be seen.
He waits for as long as he feels safe or untill my sister arrives, occasionaly he circles the block if he needs to.
Judging by the fitness level of her mates I believe my sister to be tidy and thus needs protecting
(ASK KARL)
J
I have chased at least 2 of them out of my house with snooker cues/golf clubs- 1 of which had no shoes on- They hit the back of his head ok though.
+ My other brother and his side kick- who is also my other brother... (that makes 3 of us)
These 2 went to Uni and were in the police station within 6 hours of being there for demolishing 7 lads and a bouncer in a club- a fight they wern't even envolved in started and I think the younger of the 2 got pushed a little... on a sunday night too.
Then theres my Dad who has also kicked 1 or 2 out of the house- He uses the fred flintstone method and actualy Pretends they're dog type dinosaurs. Once one landed close to my car. I esplained he should pick himself up without touching the car and leave.
Her current boyf parks at the bottom of the drive, He does not flash his lights, or Bib his horn, he does not get out and he parks behind the big coniffers at the bottom of the drive so he cannot be seen.
He waits for as long as he feels safe or untill my sister arrives, occasionaly he circles the block if he needs to.
Judging by the fitness level of her mates I believe my sister to be tidy and thus needs protecting
(ASK KARL)
J
All of the obove will be me with my 2 daughters.........
Anyone remember the film "Face Off" ????? the bit when John Travolta rips the guy outta the car window?????? that'll be ME.......
Anyone remember the film "Face Off" ????? the bit when John Travolta rips the guy outta the car window?????? that'll be ME.......
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