Be warned, this is a bit of a ramble lol!

From a thread on another forum I use about kids (as in, people saying they do or don't want kids) got me thinking. Cos I don't - want kids that is...

Anyway, it got me thinking why, and apart from the usual selfish reasons; I like my own space and my own life, and don't want to be tied down and have my life revolve around kids etc, along with the financial reasons (I can't barely take support myself, let alone a family!), I just don't think I have that paternal instinct or yearning to have kids... They just don't interest me!

I don't hate kids as such - well actually, on the whole I do dislike them actually; a select few I do like; a couple of my friends have two daughters (I think 2 and 4?) and they are delightful. But even them, after a while, I tire of, and am glad I don't have them 24/7! Erik and Taryn on here have a daughter, and she is just the most ADORABLE thing ever. She didn't like me so much when I first met her (when she was one) and just cried most of the time I was in the room lol, but when I went back last year when she was three, she was just adorable and we were best friends by the second day I was there! lol Another couple of friends locally have two kids, a boy and a girl (I think 5 and 7 repsectively) and I get on with them fine - the boy is a bit of a handful, I guess he's at that age where when another adult is present so he show's off quite a bit, but on the whole he's a good kid.

But otherwise, I just don't really like kids! Screaming toddlers in supermarkets, youths hanging out in bus shelters, etc... There are three noises in the world that I hate more than anything - the sound of a car horn being held, the sound of "white noise" when a radio is not tuned, and the sound of a baby/young kid crying. It's like nails down a blackboard to me, I hate it!!!! so how I'd cope if I had kids I just don't know!

But then that got me thinking how callous and cold that makes me sound. Which was backed up by some news I got recently. My father, from whom I've been estranged from for some years, had a stroke last week. He lived, and is apparently on the road to recovery, but I was just totally indifferent to the news; I just didn't really feel anything. I haven't spoken to him, nor made any other kind of contact, and don't have any intention to. and that's not out of "fuck you, I'm still mad at you for being a cunt and I'm gonna not call you to be nasty", it's just I don't feel anything, so have no reason to call him, stroke or not...

Which makes me feel like a cold heartless bastard!

I'm not really a family person, and don't see mine for months at a time. I probably see my brother (older) most of all, and don't see my sisters (younger) or my mother that often - usually only birthdays, christmas etc. I recently had to find an excuse to not go to a family gathering/dinner as I just couldn't be dealing with a room full of family/people I wasn't interested in seeing! Again, I feel like a cold hearted cunt!

I mean, if it came down to it, sure, I'd take a bullet for any of my siblings or my mother. And for a couple of proper close friends too. But on the whole, I just don't feel like I have a lot of love or care to give, and that's one thing I feel very strange about with the whole "do I want kids" thing - I just don't think I'd be able to give the kid the love I should! And it worry's me that if I had kids, I wouldn't "take to them" and just not care enough for them and they'd turn out to be cunts. Or I'd turn out to be a cunt. Maybe I'm scared I'll turn into my old man? (Who to be fair, always seemed to love me and my brothers and sisters, but obviously not enough to warrant staying around )

Told you this was a bit of a ramble... And I've not even started drinking yet!