As the fooker won't start...

It's a Renault Clio 1.8 16v (temporary, until I'm rich enough to afford to run an RS ) and is just sitting there turning over and over and over and over... but it will catch? Noooooooo...

Has anyone got a laptop and the right plug-in-thingy to be able to have a look and try and diagnose the problem?

More than happy to pay for a good service.
(so to speak... lol )