Dear Mr. Thief,

I am sorry to see you have stolen my car, but obviously your need for it was in your eyes, greater than mine.
I will however point out a few items that may have been over looked by yourself.

1. You will already be aware I sure, the handbrake does not work at all, so you will be unable to do any handbrake turns in Tesco's car park with you friends and their stolen cars.
2. There is a can of oil in the back. This will need to be used to top up the engine. I know it's only done 73K, but you know them old crossflows, no oil and they rattle like crazy.
3. The front bumper has a substantial dent in it now, where someone reversed into the car with a tow bar. I have a new one here if you want...say £600, with XR2 headlights?
4. The original ford radio doesn't work, but my mp3 player does and with 1/2 battery life left, this should keep you amused for a few hours.
5. The tyres are as follows: 2 bald, 2 perished. I have new ones hrer with new rims as well....guess you wish you had waited a few days now eh
6. My new trainers are in the back. I'd like them returned if possible, after all why would you want some size 6 Reebok classics?
7. There is a tow rope in the front. You may need this to be pulled out of the ditch, when you realise the brakes barely work....did I not mention this?
8. My little girl is very upset that her Barbie Mini-bus with her new Bratz dolls in it has been taken too. So am I.
9.The boot is full of interestin merchandise, that I am sure you will be able to sell on Ebay. A crash helmet-in bright orange, a worn out set of car mats and a box of 1000 flyers for that I just got printed. If you could deliver these for me that would be good.
10. I had been offered £600 for the car, any chance of dropping the cash off, you know where I live?

If you only took the car to get home in, you should have just knocked on the door. I would have given you a lift, or some money for a Taxi....I am quite nice like that. Give me a call if you did, and I'll arrange collection.
If you took the car for parts, you must be desperate, most of the car was of little or no value.
If you took the car to sell on, good luck. It's bright yellow, with Supersport grafics down the side, it's not a real Supersport, it's only a 1.1L, that I used to commute to and from work in
If you took it to do a ram raid, again good luck, the car has as much power as a hair dryer.
If you took it becuase you thought you'd look good in it, then I guess you probably did, and don't blame you entirely for the theft.
It would be nice for you to pop back round as my maniac rabied German Shepherd would like to eat your face.

Chris.

P.S. I just put £10 of petrol in it, so you should make it a hundred miles or so before having to bust off the fuel cap.