My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring

the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a

good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big

f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a

diamond.



My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will

make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the

bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back

in.



A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the

happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.


He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to

you really badly.

She said - Well, you've succeeded.


He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.

She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while

I sit on the sofa and fart'.


He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I

gave you?'.

She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.



Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.


Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,

and good looking?

A:Because those men already have boyfriends.



Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

driving