You a male or female? Seems strange how you've never used "he" or "she"???

Anyway, whatever sex your ex is, it sounds like they've got you dangling by a piece of string, you need to go out and get your life back without them, you'll find you're better off almost immediately even though it may sem hard now.

As for all the suicide rubbish, thats the easy, weak way out. I'm sorry to hear about your mate, but nothing ever gets to the point where it can't be sorted in your own head