Haynes
Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation
Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes
This is a snug fit.

Translation You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes
This is a tight fit.

Translation Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes
As described in Chapter 7...

Translation
That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes
Pry...

Translation
Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes
Undo...

Translation
Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes
Retain tiny spring...

Translation
"Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes
Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation
OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to Dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes
Lightly...

Translation
Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes
Weekly checks...

Translation
If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes
Routine maintenance...

Translation
If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes
One spanner rating.

Translation
Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes
Two spanner rating.

Translation
Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes
Three spanner rating.

Translation
But Fiesta's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes
Four spanner rating.

Translation
You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes
Five spanner rating.

Translation
OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes
If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes
Compress...

Translation
Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes
Inspect...

Translation
Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes
Carefully...

Translation
You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes
Retaining nut...

Translation
Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes
Get an assistant...

Translation
Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes
Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.

Translation
However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start To feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes
Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation
But you swear in different places.

Haynes
Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation
Snap off...

Haynes
Using a suitable drift...

Translation
The biggest nail in your toolbox isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes
Everyday toolkit

Translation
Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes
Apply moderate heat...

Translation
Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
X
Haynes
Index

Translation
List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!