Keith............. put down the mutton rag and step away from the bottle.

You clearly are not intelligent enough to attempt such a feat on your own just yet. May I suggest running the motor up to a small, but recognised, valeting firm and stating the following:

"I am dumb, I can't even open my bottle of polish. Please take pity on me and make my car shiney for not alot of money"

Its worth a try............. as is a self-labotomy