Dear Saint Nicolas,

This year, I have been a very bad little TV watcher. I have compulsively murdered, and I have never helped my brother with their colostomy bag. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of presents this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring daddy’s testicles in a vise. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz-studded ass plug. For my big brother, please bring a subscription to Guns & Ammo. For my ferret, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my mail man, please bring some worthless tchotchkes.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants pajamas, and front row tickets to Mary-Kate and Ashley – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my amputee Afghan orphan. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.

Breathlessly,

satan

PS: Please say Merry Christmas to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember dingy? He has been a really corrupt vivisection hobbyist all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put dog shit in their stocking. Thanks!